6 Ways to Be a Better Adult Friend to Your Adult Friends
When I used to dream of being a “grown up” at 16, the challenges I thought I’d face were obvious. Taxes felt like they’d be a bore, bills appeared like an organizational nightmare, cooking dinner every night seemed like a problem best solved by Taco Bell, and making a dentist appointment myself sounded like a procrastination waiting to happen.
But one of the hardest challenges of adulthood was one that I hadn’t named, and no one else named for me. If you’re an adult, then you know that the evolution of friendships is one of the biggest challenges of them all.
It’s also one of adulthood’s greatest opportunities.
As we get older, our lives naturally change. Careers, responsibilities, partnerships, and passion-projects suck up time. Proximities and expectations shift on both sides and communication becomes easier and harder at the same time.
But, to be human is to deeply crave community and connection—to demand that the world see you. So, navigating these changes isn’t just a nice thing to do, it’s a necessity.
Now, I’m by no means an expert. I’m sure if you polled my friends they’d tell you I’ve hurt their feelings and screwed up dozens of times over the years. But, trials and tribulations make for lessons learned. Right?!
So, what do we do when we hit adulthood and our friendships suddenly seem harder? Well the answer seems obvious to me. Roll up our sleeves and learn to be better adult friends to our adult friends.
Welcome to friendship 101.
Accept the inconvenient truth.
The cost of a community, the proverbial “village,” and friendship, generally is an openness to inconveniencing oneself altruistically.
If you’ve been raised in an American context, chances are you’ve heard someone say “I don’t owe anyone anything.” Our individualized society rewards independence and self-reliance with decentivizing us from asking for help and leaning on each other. The cost? Community.
You do owe people respect and dignity. And, if you want to keep someone in your life long-term as a shoulder to cry on, you owe them your time.
As we get older and get wrapped up in our own lives, it’s easier to neglect making time for the people that we love.
You have to be prepared to occasionally inconvenience yourself in an adult friendship.
This means being on your phone even when you’d rather not be. It means going to birthday dinners and happy hours and post-work walks even when you’re tired. Frankly, it means putting aside your own shit occasionally to be the shoulder to cry on.
Friendship is a label that’s given and needs to be continuously earned. A one-time inconvenience isn’t enough. We have to continuously make an effort because passiveness means a friendship dies. How’s that for a hot take?
The flip side to the inconvenience that you’ll occasionally experience, is the inconvenience your friends will experience themselves to show up for you. And, that’s an expectation that you should have!
You are a better person when you are cared for in the way that you need and it’s okay to expect your friends to show up for you in the same way you inconveniently show up for them.
Welcome to village life, folks.
Write shit down!
The older we get, the more people we love and the more details there are to remember. But one of the greatest perks of living in this timeline is the multitude of tools available to you to free up space in your mind while keeping information accessible.
Is your friend starting a new job? Mark that date in your planner or your phone calendar so you remember to text them good luck on their first day!
Swinging through a coffee shop on the drive over to your friend’s house? Imagine you had their order saved in their contact in your phone!
It’s your friend’s parent’s anniversary? Yeah, you should try to remember that!
There are countless examples of life’s special moments and mundane preferences that you come to know about your friends.
To be clear, no one should expect you to remember everything! But, it’s easy as pie to add a quick alert in your calendar for a special moment, save their favorite flower in your notes app, and keep notes of things happening in their day-to-day lives.
I promise it will make your friends feel extra warm inside when you demonstrate how closely you listen and that you’re prepared to be a support system for big days without them even having to ask.
Ask about their other friends.
I have a lot of long distance friends. That’s to be expected if you’ve moved to Wyoming…
For me, one of the hardest things about long distance friendships is that I’m no longer a part of their day-to-day lives. I don’t get to be there for the late night giggles, the mid-day doomscrolling, or the margaritas over happy hour.
But, those things still happen and, more likely than not, they are happening with their new friends!
It’s a beautiful thing to watch your friends be loved by other people. After all, I already know how amazing they are.
Asking your friends about their other friends is a great way to acknowledge the fullness of their lives and to celebrate it.
I love that I know Vanessa’s friend, Ruth, had a fabulous pottery show recently! I love that I know Bella’s friend, Ki, just celebrated her baby boy’s 3rd birthday!
I love that I know that Sarah’s friend, Matt, has the whole house to himself now that his roommate is in grad school. I love that I know Zoe’s friend, Iris, is finally pursuing her dream of curating.
And, I especially love knowing that Jordan and Dan’s friends’ new women’s sport bar in the Lower East Side is thriving.
Your friendship doesn’t exist in a bubble, so don’t pretend it does.
Have real conversations.
Adulthood can be magic. It’s buying whatever groceries you want, decorating your home in comfort themes, falling in love, and taking weekend trips to see beautiful things.
But, adulthood is also tough. It’s making tough decisions about finances, navigating an increasingly complicated political situation, and finding or losing religion.
Your adult friends need to talk these things out just like you do. Don’t shy away from having real conversations.
Now, not every friendship can and should look like this. Friendships exist in categories and that’s okay!
But, I’d argue if you and your closest friends aren’t holding space for these kinds of real conversations, how close can you really be?
Share opinions, not judgements.
The universe bestowed me with an opinion on just about everything. Politics? Duh. Religion? Yes. Best pickle brand? You betcha. The decisions my friends make? Ummm, that too.
In my opinion, the best friends are those who challenge you to think differently, to feel more deeply, and to act with intention.
That means it’s sometimes our job as a friend to share our opinions on the decisions the people we love make. And, sometimes we disagree with those decisions.
Part of adulthood is realizing that there is no black and white. Everything is a shade of gray and decision making is entirely subjective.
So, when sharing opinions it is essential that they are wrapped in love and not in judgement.
Food for thought: If your friends are making decisions that violate your own code of standards/moral compass, maybe rethink that friendship to begin with.
Invest in yourself.
I’m not a believer in the phrase, “You have to love yourself in order to be loved.” I think people love and are loved all the time to varying degrees regardless of how they feel about themselves.
But, I do believe our capacity to love, to inspire, to support (all traits of a good friendship) is boosted when we invest in ourselves.
This investment is bespoke. For me, it means learning something new every day. It looks like taking an art class and being bad at it. It’s lifting heavy things to fall in love with movement again. It’s collecting memories in my junk journal.
I’m better able to show up as a full person for my friends when I’ve taken the time to learn who the hell I am in the first place.
Friendship is a beautiful gift that requires work. And, unlike Kim Kardashian, I believe everyone wants to work these days…if only to work on friendship.
