Me and My Friend, Anxiety
🌿With care in mind: This piece explores tender themes that may bring up strong feelings. You are not alone—take it in gently, with compassion for yourself, and pause if you need🌿
In June of 2023, Kalie (one of my best friends and closest natural supports) and I were in Washington D.C. for their annual Awesome Con. Being a pretty big nerd Doctor Who fan, I couldn’t miss it.
Jodie Whittaker and Mandip Gill and Billie Piper and Christopher Eccleston and Karen Gillan would be there. There were meet and greets! Photo ops! Panels! Shopping! Plus, all the stuff we wanted to do in D.C. after the con closed each day.
At one point during our week Kalie remarked, “I don’t even have to worry about the schedule. I just tell you what I want to do and you fit it in!” I laughed and said, “That’s the beauty of having an anxiety disorder. It lives for this sort of stuff!” That’s true; my anxiety did make our trip much easier, though I’ve not always had such a copacetic relationship with it.
I’m formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and clinical depression though I wasn’t yet in 2017, when I was overwhelmed by them for the first time in my adult life. I was teaching and, during the second half of the school year, I was hit with a crushing depression I’d never felt before.
Always an extroverted and decisive person, I found myself paralyzed with indecision and faking my way through social situations. I would cry for no reason, as an oppressive sadness held me in its grip, often bringing me to my knees in desperation. Everything seemed overwhelming. I felt hopeless…a feeling I was not used to.
Kalie (we were dating then) noted that what was going on sounded like depression. I was hesitant to use the term but she patiently taught me depression can exist on a scale and just because I hadn’t experienced it before didn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing it then.
She asked if I’d be open to seeing someone. I had nothing against therapy…but I didn’t look for a therapist. I figured I wasn’t that bad. I could sort it on my own.
It disappeared as unexpectedly as it arrived. But early in 2019, I could feel the monster lurking in the corners of my mind again—caged but awakened. In March it was loosened.
When it raged, I was wrapped in crushing sadness, anxiety, and indecision. I was incapable of willing myself to do what I used to do with ease. I felt trapped in my body with an unfamiliar mind. I was stripped of facets of my personality I’d always taken for granted. But I went through my day pretending to be who I normally am.
I couldn’t make the simplest of decisions. Being around people in any way was too much. I was frustrated, exhausted, sad…and scared. How could I teach – how could I live – if I can’t interact with people? I was a teacher who was scared of talking to others! There was no waiting it out this time.
One day, Lauren (another beautiful natural support and one of my closest friends) sent me a text asking how my day was going. Unconsciously crying out for help, I shared so much in my reply.
Lauren called me after work and we talked for a long time. As I explained everything I was struggling with, all I had to do, and all the people in my web of responsibilities, she told me, “It’s not worth your mental health. Nothing’s more important than that. If you’re not healthy, not safe, you can’t do anything for anyone.”
Lauren promised to check in as often as she could, but she told me I needed to share this with others, as she couldn’t be with me every moment. She suggested I begin where it was safest—with the people I loved, saw daily, and trusted the most. I could tell Kalie and my mom for my home life, as well as Ashley and Theresa at work (two more beautiful natural supports among my closest friends).
That night I told Kalie. The following day I told Ashley, Theresa, and Mom. Once more, Kalie encouraged me to find a therapist, echoing Lauren’s advice from earlier that day.
This time I knew I needed to find someone to talk to…but I waited. I kept telling myself, “Let me put out the major fires first. Let me get through a day without crying, then I can devote time to finding a therapist.”
It was 16 days later when I finally ended up on Psychology Today perusing licensed counselors in my area. The only reason I did this was because Lauren kept asking if I had…and I ran out of good excuses not to.
This changed everything.
I’ve been in therapy for six and a half years now. I know I am alive today because of my therapist, Katherine. She helped me through things I couldn’t have imagined getting through without her but also, as a Type 1, insulin-dependent diabetic, my emotions affect my blood sugar.
Traditionally, “positive” emotions (happiness, joy, excitement, etc.) create a high not tied to sugar, while traditionally negative ones (sadness, anger, depression, etc.) can cause lows not tied to action or insulin.
The former can be annoying, the latter dangerous. So, especially when my anxiety and depression are raging, learning to understand and manage my inner system is essential for my safety.
Since the summer of 2020, Katherine’s been using IFS as one of the treatment modalities in our sessions. IFS, the Internal Family Systems Model (or “parts work”), was developed by Richard C. Schwartz in the early ‘80s.
IFS taught me to see and welcome all my thoughts, feelings, emotions—all that moves inside of me—as different parts of myself. This lets me meet, recognize, listen to, and converse with all my parts in order to bring balance within my internal system.
I build relationships with my parts—learning what they need, do, want, and how best to work with them. As my relationship with my parts strengthens, so too does my relationship with others.
Basically, it’s Inside Out. In fact, the movie was based on IFS! So, essentially I was learning to work with the li’l parts at the console station inside me (though I don’t picture them like that).
Grounding in Self is a key piece of this work. The Self is “an essence of calm, clarity, compassion, and connectedness.”[1]
The Self marvels at the beauty of all it encounters. It greets everything with curiosity and offers love and acceptance to all it finds. And when it encounters suffering, within or without, it is moved by compassion and offers help. The Self is the center of who we are, the piece of us that isn’t a part.
Dr. Schwartz explains, “As they unburden, people have more access to Self, our most precious human resource, and are better able to lead their lives from that centered, confident, compassionate place.”[2]
My very first session with Katherine, she asked what my goals were. I told her, “I want to put this monster back in its cage.” Just typing that makes me sad now!
My anxiety isn’t a monster and neither is my depression. I am being completely honest when I say I love them both (even when they make my life heavier) and I see their value (especially when we work together). But it took me a while to get there.
The thing about anxiety is it’s like a superpower. For years, I’ve said my anxiety is my “spider-sense,” Spider-Man’s early warning danger sense (I’ve written about this before).
That’s what anxiety does! It’s always looking ahead for every possible thing that could go wrong and then trying to warn us about it. The more my anxiety is running, the more I can see what others don’t.
Now, if we’re not working as a team, it’s overwhelming! But after years of working together, I’ve learned to listen to it and my anxiety trusts I will listen to it. So, it’s willing to be patient. It raises its concerns and trusts me to act on it if and when we need to.
To offer a story to help illustrate this, one day several months into my doing IFS, Ashley and I were enjoying lunch together. I was sharing some heavy personal things with her and Ashley was being the gentle, loving steward she always is with what I share.
At the end of our lunch I went to the bathroom and, as I was washing my hands, I was hit with a wave of anxiety about it all. I began crying. I looked in the mirror and said…
“Okay anxiety, I hear you. I love you and I appreciate you for all you do for me. You’re here because this is important. It’s something I need to attend to. And I love you for looking out for us in this. But right now, I have to teach. I can teach crying. It’s okay to cry. But it’s easier if I’m not. I don’t have time to process this with Ashley now. I don’t have time to process this on my own. The bell rings in a minute. So I’d like to ask if you could unblend for now. I promise you, we’ll cry and sort this out later. I will attend to you. I will feel this all, because I value it and it’s important. But right now I need to teach. Can you please unblend and we can feel this all together later?”
I literally said this out loud to my anxiety as I looked in the mirror.
And…it did. It was so beautiful! So, I taught my class. I went home. I visited my parents for dinner. I completely forgot about my anxiety…until I was driving home from my parents’ and began sobbing.
As I cried I thought, “What is this?? I…oh, yeah.” Then I smiled as I cried and I said, “Hello anxiety. I promised you I’d attend to you later. Thank you for waiting. Let’s feel this all and work through this now.”
And…I did! I cried as I sat with and processed what was needed for my anxiety to relax.
Now I rarely forget about my anxiety when it needs me, so my anxiety rarely overwhelms me anymore. I not only listen to my anxiety, I give it jobs I know it will enjoy—like Awesome Con!
A long weekend in D.C. with soooo many things, big and small to worry about? That’s like Christmas morning for my anxiety! It gets to play, obsessing over and mapping everything out, and it doesn’t overwhelm me because it knows I’m listening to it and I love and appreciate it for all it does for me.
If you’re interested in learning more about IFS, you can go to the IFS Institute’s official website to read more about it, and even search for therapists formally trained in this particular treatment modality!
📚Want to dive deeper? Here are the studies and books that informed this article📚
[1] Robert C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma & Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model, (Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021), 1.
[2] Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems Model to Intimate Relationships. (Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2023), vii.
🌿With care in mind: This piece is meant to share knowledge and spark reflection, rather than provide medical advice, treatment, or diagnosis. If you’re needing extra support, we encourage you to connect with a trusted medical or mental health professional🌿
