Let’s Address the Penis in the Room

Hello, dear reader. You may be wondering why a man is writing for a women’s magazine. Or maybe you weren’t, but you found the title of this piece intriguing. Either way, I’m going to answer that question right now, thus fulfilling the promise of the premise: Bella asked if I’d like to write for her and I was happy to help! 

Is that a letdown? Were you hoping for a bit more? Okay, I can do that. There is both a personal and philosophical piece to this.

Personally, I have always been comfortable in women-led spaces. My entire life, I have been surrounded by close women friends. It’s a byproduct of seeking relationships with depth. I’ve never been interested in the superficial. I want to share all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the blindingly brilliant depths of our infinite interiorities! Being an elder millennial, I wasn’t finding that sort of open vulnerability with other men (save a few beautiful exceptions). So, I have always held my women friends close.

This has confused many people over the years—women and men. It’s surprising how often people struggle to understand how I, as a heterosexual man, am both open to and actively cultivate relationships with women that aren’t driven by sex. But it’s a different sort of emotional intimacy I prize first and, as a result, I’ve spent my life with women as my closest friends.

Or, in other words, I’m a sensy. As Zach Braff’s John “J.D.” Dorian explained to Donald Faison’s Turk in a classic episode of Scrubs, “It’s short for ‘sensitive guy.’ Our music is acoustic alternative. We marvel at fireflies. And when we help a drunk girl home from a party, sure we cop a feel…of her hair as we hold it back so she doesn’t get any vomit in it.” As an elder millennial, Zach Braff (in both Scrubs and Garden State) was a key part of my emotional journey to understand myself in my young adulthood and I remember feeling so seen with that quote! 

Philosophically, it’s more than just my comfort in women-led spaces or my close women friendships that have me writing for Butterfly. I’ve spent my entire adult life studying and teaching religious studies. Social justice is a key component of that and, as a result, I love Jesus’ style—the only founder of an enduring religion that was executed by capital punishment for challenging the Roman Empire, where the few profited from the exploitation of the many, as all empires do. 

If we seek to topple the empires of today and subvert the normative narratives which whisper in our ears that something deeply unjust is in fact true and right, then patriarchal oppression has to be subverted in favor of feminist equality.

That’s the fight and I’m here for it. Viva la revolución! I considered myself a feminist before I ever learned the word. As a man, I can never presume to understand the lived experience of a woman. But I can listen. I can empathize. I can be an ally. And I can join the fight. This is important because, if feminism is to win in the end, it needs men, too. It needs masculinity in harmony with feminine energy.

We see this ideologically, of course. If feminism is the movement of equality which topples patriarchy, then we need men’s voices alongside women’s voices. Otherwise, we just trade one system of oppression for another. 

But we also see this practically. The world is a patriarchal shit show right now and it has been for centuries. If we’re going to burn these systems of oppression to the ground and build something new, something beautiful, something driven by justice and the sense that every human being is beautiful and deserving of love, respect, being seen, and being heard, then we need to change men’s minds. 

Otherwise, we can’t tip the scales. The existing patriarchal weight is too much. Only together can we undo the patriarchal systems which have corrupted our minds and sullied our hearts and souls for centuries.

I can think of no struggle more worthy than the fight for justice for all. 

So, there you have it. Why is a man writing for a women’s magazine? Well, Bella invited me to. And, I’ve always been a sensy, comfortable in women-led spaces. But mostly, I’m here for the revolution.