Letter From the Editor: My Gratitude List
I’m writing this gratitude list at a time where I don’t feel very grateful. Simply put, today was rough.
I woke up hungover from alcohol and too much food, reviewed the depressing state of my finances, reflected on my seemingly never ending body image struggles, had two meltdowns, and served sassy, bad tippers at work.
Lately, it just feels like I’m in survival mode. If it’s not one thing impacting my mood, it’s another.
I’m exhausted from feeling hurt over my ex not responding to a letter I wrote him four months ago. I’m confused why, after being two and a half years weed free, I’m having raging cravings to disassociate from myself and the world around me.
I’m frustrated that the mental health medication I’ve been taking for the past year works for my brain, but not for my body. And I’m constantly worried that the time and energy I’m putting into Butterfly will all be for nothing.
Probably not the upbeat gratitude intro you were expecting, huh? Sorry about that. But sometimes, it’s really hard to be thankful for the hand we’re dealt and that’s just part of being human.
As I was searching for quotes about gratitude, I found one that sparked an idea for my angle here (a little writer insight 😉). Greek fabulist, Aesop, once said, “Gratitude turns what we have into enough.”
Well, it’s clear I have a lot so maybe, there’s some reframing I can do. Maybe finding the silver lining to my perceived gray cloud will bring comfort. And maybe, just maybe, gratitude will remind me that things aren’t so bad after all.
I’m grateful for my body’s resilience.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about my body these days but no matter what, it still shows up for me. Whether I’m dragging it to power yoga or feeding it Taco Bell at 2am, it’s there to give me what I need.
I’ve put my body through the wringer at times, yet it still evolves, performs, and moves me through life. I trust that my body loves me, and I believe it’s this love that allows it to be so resilient. Thank you, body.
I’m grateful for the ability to make money.
Yes, working as a server is exhausting and yes, I feel like I’m always broke. But being able-bodied, educated, and independent go a long way in creating opportunities for wealth.
It’s a privilege to be able to work, get a paycheck, and pay my rent. Whether money comes from my job, Facebook marketplace, or helping my aunt around her house, I’m lucky to have a variety of ways to make an income. Thank you, abundance.
I’m grateful for the universe always protecting me.
I have seen firsthand the incredible ways the universe works for us. I firmly believe that if things are meant to be, they will be. The opposite is also true—if things are not meant to be, they won’t be. Like my ex and me.
There’s a reason he didn’t respond to my letter. Hell, there might be several reasons. And as much as it hurts, that’s his business, not mine. I can, however, take it as a sign that there’s a better-aligned romantic path for me. Thank you, universe.
I’m grateful for my weed sobriety.
It’s scary to want back on a hamster wheel. I wish I knew why this desire was creeping in but it doesn’t take away from the fact that for the past two and a half years, I have been intentional about staying grounded.
Being weed free has allowed me to connect with myself in new ways, find healthier coping mechanisms, and cultivate relationships that are genuine. Thank you, sobriety.
I’m grateful for my healthcare team.
I see a therapist, primary care physician, and dietitian regularly and proudly. These professionals (all women) have had my back through mental health issues, OCD treatment, and weight gain. They make me feel seen in a way my loved ones can’t.
Even though my medication journey took a turn I wasn’t expecting, I know with 100% certainty that I am supported and cared for by three amazing women. We’re all working together to give Bella the best way of life possible. Thank you, healthcare team.
I’m grateful for my passion.
If you would have told my younger self she was going to someday start her own women’s magazine, she would first be shocked and second feel validated. This desire to write from the heart and share it with women, has been in me for so long.
I owe it to myself to put time and energy into Butterfly, no matter how successful it becomes. Because at the end of the day, I truly believe I am meant to do this work. Thank you, passion.
Of course, there are so many other things I’m grateful for—family, friends, my apartment, movies, Aerie pajama pants, etc. But I think there’s immense power in reframing a bad day, and calling to mind the good that still exists.
No, I don’t have it all figured out. I still struggle with binge eating disorder, I still have two huge credit card balances, and I still check my mailbox for a reply back. I still want to smoke weed, I still don’t know if Prozac will be right for me, and I still question if Butterfly is worth it.
But what I do have is a resilient body, the ability to make money, and a whole big universe protecting me. I have weed sobriety, a supportive healthcare team, and a passion for women’s empowerment.
And you know what? That is enough ♡
