My Body is Changing and I Don't Know How to Deal
🌿With care in mind: This piece explores tender themes that may bring up strong feelings. You are not alone—take it in gently, with compassion for yourself, and pause if you need🌿
It’s incredibly challenging to feel uncomfortable in your body. More than that, it’s challenging to feel strange in your body. Like you’re in a foreign place and don’t know how or when you got there.
Simply and honestly put, it’s a mind fuck. Well, I’ve been living in a constant state of mind-fuckery for the past five months or so, and I’m exhausted.
Some background on my body image experience before we dive deep—I have always had a complicated relationship with food and my body, I struggle with binge eating disorder (BED), I am anti-diet culture, I am pro body-neutrality, and I actively work to change the body beliefs that were passed down to me.
You might be wondering, “Bella, if you have such self-awareness and confidence in the topic of body image, why do you struggle with it?”
Allow me to be proof that practicing what you preach is not always easy. As my mom always says, “We’re all just a work in progress.” This essay is not solution-oriented, but rather a vulnerable release I’ve felt I needed.
I’ve been crediting my recent weight gain to my mental health medication which I started in late October 2024. Since then, I’ve had two dosage adjustments and a second medication added to my repertoire.
It’s been easy to blame Zoloft for the strangeness I feel on a regular basis. I’ve considered getting off it. I’ve considered trying something different. And maybe someday I’ll do both of those things, but my intuition is saying not to give up on the brain relief I have now.
Body relief? Not so much. Brain relief? Yes, it’s there. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that I’ve just chosen the ‘lesser of two evils.’
Of course, it’s possible that my weight gain is not exclusive to my Zoloft. In the past five months, I’ve gone through a heartbreak, enjoyed my family reunion, attempted to reconnect with an ex, juggled my professional and social life, made some regrettable decisions, and oh yeah…started a business.
My body has absorbed all of that energy—the sadness, joy, anxiety, stress, guilt, and overwhelm. And it has put all those emotions on display for me.
Deep pink stretch marks on my hips and boobs. A stomach that protrudes and desires to be shown rather than hidden. An easily accessible second roll on my chin. Chubby cheeks that have altered the way I perceive my smile.
It’s all me. It’s all my body. And yet…it feels so strange.
I’ve had to clean out my closet and size up my clothes several times now, and every time I do, I wonder how long it will be until I have to do it again. I’m not even holding onto clothes that used to fit me.
This new version of my body is uncharted territory. I’ve never been in the size jeans I am now. I’ve never had dark stretch marks. And while I don’t support scales or what they say about health, I’ve never been the weight I am now.
For the first time in my life, I’m thinking about the possibility that my body may never go back to the way it was before.
But neither will my life. Or my heart. Or my brain. Or my liver after one too many vodka lemonades. Our life experiences continually shape who we are on the inside and the outside. That’s just how it goes!
And maybe that’s okay. Maybe my body’s “changes” are just “experiences.”
Bravely trying mental health medications for the first time
Falling for the wrong person
Spending time with my loved ones
Having the courage to apologize for the past
Balancing making money with making memories
Sleeping with the last person I should’ve
Following the universe’s path and building a business that’s always been a part of me
My stretch marks, stomach, double chin, and smile are simply my life happening. Perhaps there’s nothing I need to “deal with,” and just life I need to live.
