The Games People Play: Why I Went From Cool Girl to Lover Girl

If it were up to me, the “cool girl” mentality would die faster than the whipped coffee trend from 2020.  

Countless articles have dissected where and why the “cool girl” mantra started. Newsweek narrows it down to one influencer, whose checklist for becoming the “cool girl” includes having really nice towels, not using filler words when speaking, and layering perfume well. A bit consumeristic if you ask me. 

And, to be fair, there is absolutely nothing wrong with investing in yourself. We all deserve silly little treats and creating the life we want without apology! 

But, if you’re like me, you’ve heard your friends (or maybe even yourself) use the “cool girl” phrase to justify some behaviors in dating that aren’t super helpful for creating a healthy, long-lasting relationship. 

From my lived experience, the general idea of the “cool girl” is someone who’s aloof, doesn’t express how they are feeling, and fails to set boundaries with their friends and romantic partners because, to fit into this movement, vulnerability isn’t cool. 

Obviously, the very same can be said of men and every other gender under the sun who use “coolness” as an excuse for these behaviors.  

So, instead of being a direct communicator (which is sexy!!), communication games have become the norm. 

Why did these dating games become popular and how do we get out of this communication loop of doom? I’m so glad you asked. 

Communication Games 101: Are You a Perpetrator or Victim? 

Psychiatrist Eric Berne published Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships in 1964 and while I’m not a licensed psychiatrist, I think it’s a great place to start when we talk about communication games. 

In short, Berne developed the transactional analysis theory as a way to explain social interactions and behavior. He was able to identify several manipulative social behaviors people use to get their needs met without being vulnerable. 

He said that these games are often driven by deep-seated negative beliefs held about themselves or others. People who don’t trust themselves or their partners may resort to this game-playing to get validation without being truly intimate. 

Fast forward to 2025 and we see Berne’s analysis in action, especially if you’re a single person navigating this 21st century dating world. 

Communication games are unfortunately widely utilized in modern society, despite knowing they are often manipulative and confusing. If you’re one of the lucky few that have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a few definitions: 

• According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Breadcrumbing is when you give an individual just enough morsels of attention to keep them interested or hooked into the relationship (or situationship), without any intention of really committing.”

• The NewPort Institute says that ghosting is when a relationship is suddenly ended by disappearing from contact rather than saying goodbye or giving an explanation, and can cause mental health issues like loneliness, self-doubt, and sadness. 

• Playing-hard-to-get is actually a communication game! This is when you purposefully delay responses, leave messages unread, or pretend to be busy to seem more desirable. 

Communication games aren’t limited to just these few. There’s also sending mixed signals, love bombing, and trauma-dumping. Most of them are designed to keep how you're really feeling from the other person. 

How Come My Grandma Didn’t Have To Deal With This Shit? 

I’m not so naive to assume dating 100 years ago was free from all communication games. But, research proves the way we approach dating and communication has dramatically changed in the last few decades. 

The gamification of dating with the invention of dating shows and mobile dating apps has normalized tactical behaviors. Romance was suddenly achieved through strategy in a completely new and bizarre way. And, for “cool girls” everywhere, this eliminated the vulnerability aspect of getting to know someone, which is admittedly quite scary. 

Incredibly, this was by design—at least for early inventors. Tinder’s founder, Jonathan Badeen, has publicly admitted he was inspired by psychological research on gambling when creating the swiping phenomenon. The dopamine loop created through participating in these apps has been widely studied and it’s not an exaggeration to say that some people are literally addicted to swiping.  

No wonder people are stuck in these unhealthy communication loops if starting over again can scratch an itch in our brains!

Couple that with Americans turning inward for union, church, and civic engagement, and you see a rapid decline in interaction between people in general. It’s like we’ve forgotten how to love each other. And relationships, both romantic and platonic, are failing because of it. 

It’s Time To Change

I know I want better for myself, my partners, my friends, and, frankly, strangers I’ll never meet. 

So, how can we create a better dating culture and keep our relationships healthy? It’s time to be a direct and clear communicator, which means leaving the “cool girl” trend behind. 

Now, it’s time for me to admit something hard. I used to play the very communication games we’re talking about with the men I dated. 

Somehow after being raised by two social workers, I was scared to talk about my feelings in a truly intimate way. To the surprise of no one, those relationships failed. 

While I’m not in a long-term relationship now (which to be clear is not the marker of success), the relationships I’ve had since I stopped being the “cool girl” have been remarkably healthier, my needs have actually been met, and I’ve felt more seen than ever before. 

You can change your communication behaviors by learning a few things about yourself.

It turns out we all like to receive and give love differently. When we don’t understand what we like, we can’t communicate to our partner what we need and, as a result, they can’t meet our expectations. 

Try taking a free love language quiz! You may actually be surprised by the results. 

Eric Berne’s theory of relationship dynamics speculates that our insecurities can often manifest in poor communication. Stopping that in its tracks means taking the time to understand ourselves enough to identify those insecurities and our strengths and weaknesses. 

This doesn’t require therapy (though, I’d encourage it!) and can instead look like a standard SWOT analysis. Here’s one developed by the Louisiana State Civil Service that has some career questions you can adjust to romantic relationships/friendships as relevant! 

Finally, practice makes perfect, my friends. The first time you abandon the protectionist communication framework is scary! It’s not easy to say what you’re feeling, to receive what other people are feeling, and to do so with confidence and compassion. But, it’s so worth it to allow yourself to be fully you and radiate in a way that attracts. 

I promise you, it’s sexy to your partners, helps you to be a better friend, and makes you a certified badass. 

Let’s Get Loving

Just because the person you’re talking to is playing games doesn’t mean you have to as well. Dating behaviors and relationship models are created one-by-one, so doing your part to be a direct and clear communicator can naturally change hearts and minds. 

I’m ready to get loving. How about you?